We All Want Love, But We’re Also Afraid Of It—Here Are 6 Reasons Why

Most people deeply desire love. They want to find that person to spend the rest of their days with, someone they feel understood and valued by, who they can both talk to for hours on end and sit with in comfortable silence.

That’s why so many of the movies, books, and songs we consume are all about love. If we haven’t found that special someone yet, we ache for the day when we finally do. If we have, we get that fuzzy feeling as we watch an on-screen couple fall in love and think, “That’s how we are.”

So why is it that so many younger men and women have issues with committing? Why is it that we’re constantly hearing about yet another breakup, or yet another short-lived boyfriend of our friend’s? How come we keep on shying away from the very thing we so strongly yearn for? Why are so many people afraid of love?

The Deeper We Fall in Love, the Greater Opportunity for Pain

Anyone who’s been in love before is all too familiar with the highs of being in love. In the early stages of a relationship, everything is roses. We couldn’t be happier with life, more smitten with this person, more excited for the future. There’s a reason scientists say being in love is like being on drugs.

It only makes sense that with something that makes us feel so deeply in one direction, there’s always the possibility that the depth of our emotion could be taken in the opposite direction, towards despair, hopelessness, grief, fear, and heartbreak. Many would rather spare themselves what they’ve convinced themselves is inevitable pain by never getting in the relationship in the first place.

Being in Love Makes Us Vulnerable

We’re always hiding some part of ourselves, aren’t we? At least, with many of our friendships and familial relationships we are. Vulnerability is a terrifying thing, and most people would rather hide or censor themselves than ever truly let anyone in. We think we’re better off never being truly authentic than allowing someone to get close and facing a painful rejection.

That’s certainly not a healthy approach to any relationship, but for most, it’s simpler to get away with withholding our full vulnerability in non-romantic relationships. But marriage is uniquely intimate, calling for more authenticity more often from us. But if we’ve never been able to get close to anyone, that’s something that will keep us from forging a relationship in the first place.

Marriage is uniquely intimate, calling for more authenticity more often from us.

Consider this wisdom from author C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We’ll Be Faced with the Reality of Our Flaws

The truth is that none of us are perfect just the way we are; we might be self-centered, immature, unhealthy, or flighty. Being in a relationship will force us to confront the less-than-ideal aspects of our personality, to get rid of our unsavory habits and grow up a little bit. Relationships have a unique way of highlighting our flaws because we suddenly have to consider someone else’s desires, not just our own.

This is a reality that keeps a lot of people from getting into a relationship – having to face how imperfect they are, rise up to the challenge of maturing, and take another person’s needs seriously. Many just don’t want the responsibility of having someone count on them to make an honest attempt to grow.

We Weren’t Given an Example of a Good Relationship

The first image we had of a relationship was that of our parents. This is either a really good thing, or a really bad thing. Sadly, unhealthy marriages are hardly uncommon, making for a generation of kids that only ever saw marriage as something that made people unhappy.

So it’s not surprising that if someone wasn’t given an understanding of what a good marriage looks like, they’d avoid relationships altogether in order to save themselves from the unhappiness they witnessed. This is exactly why it’s essential that we keep on talking about good marriages and change the conversation that often surrounds making a lifelong commitment.

We’ve Been Hurt Before By Someone We Loved

To love is to open ourselves up to pain, right? Well, for those who’ve been cheated on or deeply hurt by an ex, this is very real. The last time they granted someone else access to their heart, they were left betrayed, humiliated, and heartbroken.

A whole generation of kids only ever saw marriage as something that made people unhappy.

Someone who’s been hurt by love before will understandably be wary about getting back into another relationship. But even if their pain feels like it’ll never disappear, they shouldn’t let a bad breakup ruin their desire for love.

We Believe We’re Inherently Unlovable

Believing we’re loved, and thus, lovable, isn’t a default – it’s something that’s taught, instilled, and cultivated. If someone wasn’t ever assured that they were loved by their family or friends, they might struggle to ever believe that they could be genuinely loved and develop an unhealthy attachment style that leads to all kinds of relationship issues down the road.

This will follow us around from relationship to relationship, often causing us to choose toxic partners because of our unhealthy perception of ourselves and how we ought to be treated. This cycle is easy to continue, and will eventually scare us off from trying another relationship, only to have it fail. And the worst part is that we might even blame ourselves for our string of toxic relationships, based on what we think is our inherent unlovableness.

Closing Thoughts

Each reason that someone is afraid of love is valid – love is incredibly powerful, emotional, and intimate, and therefore can hurt us, leave us betrayed, and heartbroken. But even with this reality of love being scary, there’s a reason we desire it. We were made to love, and be loved — and we shouldn’t hide from it forever.

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