What We Can Learn From Charlotte's Search For The Perfect Man In “Sex And The City”

In the SATC reboot, And Just Like That, we see Carrie’s husband die of a heart attack and Miranda cheats on her husband. The only character who truly had a happy ending in the original series was Charlotte. 

The original series ended with Charlotte and her husband, Harry, finding out they were adopting a baby girl. In AJLT, we watch Charlotte live the life she always dreamed of with her husband and children. While her life isn’t perfect, it’s clear that she and Harry have a healthy marriage and are still as in love as they were the day they got married.

While Charlotte and Harry are certainly marriage goals, it took a lot of heartache for Charlotte to find him. She spends the first few seasons trying to find the perfect WASPy husband that she’s always dreamed of, which she finds in Trey. Unfortunately, she learns that looking for superficial qualities in a man will only lead to a superficial relationship. However, she gets her happy ending when she meets Harry, who is unlike every man she’s ever dated, inside and out.

TikTok user and matchmaker @lissyliving says it best: “Charlotte’s entire adult life has been spent chasing men. She has been chasing a certain kind of man. Very Upper East Side, very corporate finance types, doctors, very uptight, very successful, and she chases these men because they represent something to her. They represent the lifestyle and social status that she wants. More than that, they represent to her that she’s worthy.” 

After describing Charlotte’s disastrous first marriage to Trey, she continues, “Charlotte’s very feminine. Being in the role of the chaser is not natural to her, and it doesn’t feel good. Until she meets Harry, she’s been chasing. Harry is the first man we see hardcore pursue Charlotte, and he’s very clear about his desires for her. He tells her that Trey is an idiot and that if he had Charlotte, he would never let her go and never let her out of his bed. For Charlotte, who just spent months trying to get her husband interested in her in a romantic, sensual way, this is a big deal.”

She wraps up the TikTok, concluding that Charlotte isn’t the only woman who makes this mistake. Trey represents the teenage version of love that Charlotte (and many of us) always dreamed of, but Harry is the guy who not only treats her the way that she deserves to be treated but sees her as the amazing woman she is. Trey is what she thought she wanted, but Harry is what she needed. 

SATC is full of toxic relationship advice (*cough* Samantha suggesting women should “have sex like men”), but audiences can learn plenty of lessons from Charlotte’s quest to find the perfect man.

Lesson One: Find a Man with Similar Values

When Charlotte was searching for a husband, she didn’t focus on finding a man who shared her values. When she meets Trey, she’s focused on finding the perfect and posh guy she thinks she wants, but she doesn’t take the time to learn what he values in life or a relationship. She’s so focused on her idea of what she thinks is her ideal man that she doesn’t actually get to know Trey. Relatable, right?

It’s safe to say that Charlotte’s marriage to Trey is a disaster. He doesn’t see her as the smart and amazing woman she is, so much so that he’s not even sexually attracted to her. He doesn’t value family and marriage like she does, which is one of the many reasons why they don’t work out in the end. 

Harry, on the other hand, has the same values as Charlotte. A perfect example is how Trey and his family were judgemental when they learned of Charlotte’s fertility issues, but Harry was just as happy to adopt a baby with her if it meant that they could raise the child together.

When you’re dating, take some time to reflect on why you’re looking for the type of man you’re looking for. Get clear about your own values and what qualities are important to you in a potential spouse. Then, find out if his values align with yours. Ask him about his family, his goals in life, and what makes him tick. While it’s important to have mutual interests, having mutual values will help your relationship stay strong when the going gets rough.

Lesson Two: Find a Man Who Allows You To Be Yourself 

Charlotte spends the first couple of seasons trying to be the perfect woman in order to find the perfect man, not allowing the men she dates to see her true self. We see this in the short-lived relationships she has with different men throughout the first two seasons and when she meets Trey in the third season. She reads dating guides and doesn’t allow herself to be vulnerable or have fun getting to know him – she’s only focused on getting a ring.

This is completely different from what happens when she meets Harry in the fifth season. Even though he’s her divorce lawyer, he thinks she’s beautiful the second he meets her and takes his time to get to know her. He still loves her with her quirks and flaws because he cares about who she is more than her money or social status. Letting go of the illusion that she has to be perfect to find a husband allowed her to have the best relationship (and the best sex) of her life.

If you want to find a man who loves you for you, the simplest way to find him is to be yourself while getting to know him. It's cliché for a reason. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but pretending to be someone that you’re not won’t attract the right guy to you and, ultimately, you can't live a lie forever.

Lesson Three: Find a Man Who Wants To Pursue You

One of the greatest differences between Charlotte’s relationship with Trey and her relationship with Harry is that Harry pursued her. She spends a good portion of the show (and most of her adult life) trying to find a husband, but she’s always the one pursuing the type of guy she thinks she wants. When Harry comes into her life, he pursues her because he loves and respects her. This helps Harry take on the masculine role, which helps Charlotte embrace her femininity. When she allows Harry to pursue her, she gives herself permission to let her guard down and truly be happy.

In a dating culture dominated by dating apps, casual sex and feminism, it’s no wonder that women struggle to be feminine in relationships. It’s important to learn the art of being feminine in a relationship and while looking for a boyfriend. Allow the man to pursue you and to take the lead; show gratitude and appreciation for his masculine qualities. If you’re still single, take your time getting to know someone and treat dating like it’s special, instead of just something you do to pass the time. Romanticize your life to set the mood for a healthy relationship, and don’t be afraid to let a guy take the lead when the right one comes along.

Closing Thoughts

Charlotte is the most relatable character on SATC because she’s flawed but a hopeless romantic. She’s not afraid to admit that she wants to fall in love, but learns plenty of lessons on her journey to find the perfect man. Harry isn’t what she pictured her future husband to be, but that’s what makes their relationship work, and it’s one of the many ways she can inspire us in our own dating lives.

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