What Does “Settling” In A Relationship Really Mean? Women And Men Have Very Different Answers

Here’s a fun challenge: Picture your perfect man – the one you would have no doubt in your mind is Mr. Right. We’re willing to bet you could tell us, in great detail, what he looks like, what he does for a living, all about his temperament, what his sense of humor is like, how he dresses, and maybe even what his love language is. 

We all have a dating checklist of a sort, right? Some of us really want to find a man who’s stable, even-tempered, and easy-going. Some of us are hoping for a guy who’s six feet (or taller), knows his way around the kitchen, and has a zest for life. Some of us would only be willing to seriously date a guy who shares our values, deepest desires, and religious views.

It’s not wrong to have a general idea of what you’re looking for in a boyfriend. Having some kind of criteria when it comes to whether or not you’ll go on a second date with a guy is in your best interest – to keep you from wasting time with an ill-matched guy, or to save you from making mistakes you’ll regret one day, or to help you not feel like you’re…settling.

What Does “Settling” Mean?

The image that immediately comes to mind when we think of a wife who settled is one of a woman who is dissatisfied with her husband on multiple levels. Maybe she was desperate to get married after all of her friends had already walked down the aisle, or maybe she stuck with him out of stubbornness after a few people in her life expressed worry for her, or maybe she didn’t think there was any chance another man would ever look at her, and so she didn’t dare end things with him.

But it doesn’t just have to do with dissatisfaction alone. If a woman feels like she’s settled, there will be one nagging question that keeps resurfacing in her mind: Could I have done better? She isn’t just disillusioned with what she perceives to be a lackluster husband – she thinks that while he’s lucky to have her, she’s the one who got the short end of the stick by marrying him. And that by choosing him, she lowered her standards (whether consciously or subconsciously) when she should have held fast to them.

How Women and Men Differ When It Comes to Their Idea of Settling

So what exactly constitutes settling? What would cause someone to feel like they’re settling? We might assume that what is considered to be settling is universally understood, but it turns out that men and women tend to have different answers when it comes to whether or not they would feel like they had settled.

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Lori Gottlieb has quite a bit to say about this in her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. In the book, which initially appeared as an article for The Atlantic, Gottlieb presents a rather interesting study: “There’s a survey in the book where men and women are asked, ‘If you got 80 percent of everything you wanted – of your ideal traits in a mate or partner – would you be happy?’ The majority of women said, ‘No, that’s settling,’ and the majority of men said, ‘Eighty percent? I’d be thrilled; that’s a catch.’”

When asked what might keep them from going on a second date, men generally responded with only three must-haves.

Gottlieb’s assertion was, in a nutshell, that many women are too picky for their own good, leading them to turn down perfectly good men because they deem them to be “not good enough” due to their overly specific dating checklist. Women named 300 things that might keep them from saying yes to something as small as spending another two hours in his presence. “And they were things like, ‘You know, we were having a really good time, but then he did this Austin Powers impression, and it just so turned me off. I can’t get that out of my head,’” Gottlieb said.

On the other hand, when the surveyed men were asked what might keep them from going on a second date, they generally responded with only three must-haves: “If she’s cute enough ... warm and kind ... and interesting enough to talk to, she gets a second date.” Sounds reasonable enough.

Gottlieb points out, “There’s no correlation between the guy who’s the nervous first dater ... and the guy who’s going to be the great life partner that you're going to fall in love with.” 

And Many Women Had Thoughts

Gottlieb received a fair amount of backlash from women who took her book to be an unfair call to lower their standards, and thus, enter into marriages that they would one day regret. “Sisters, I literally threw this book across the room. I’ll summarize the PickMeisha Bible very briefly. Women are only worth their fertility, and you should ignore the things you find important like height, career, etc, in favor of consistency, and being a decent guy,” shared a Reddit user. 

The replies echoed this sentiment, each of them expressing their thoughts on the book, which were anything but neutral. “It’s amazing how the book assumes there is a plethora of decent guys out there who will treat you well, and women are just sooo picky because they want to marry guys at least 6 ft and making 6 figures a year. It’s such a lie. We are already taught to settle in every single area,” one user agreed. 

“I loathe [those] who gaslight women into accepting sub-par/abusive men. It’s even more repulsive when the therapist is a woman. Selling your sisters a false narrative in order to make a profit is just wrong,” said another.

But is this what Gottlieb’s advice actually promotes? Are the critics right? Or is there actually some truth to what Gottlieb is saying? Is it at all possible that we might let petty pickiness get in the way of what might have been a wonderful, lasting relationship?

What Really Does Count As Settling

Before we go any further, let’s get something clear: There is such a thing as settling. But what actually counts as settling? Well, it might not have to do as much with height and salary as it does character, in the sense of choosing to marry a man who didn’t prove himself to be husband material.

“Settling” is marrying a man who didn’t prove himself to be husband material.

What could rightly be considered “settling” is marrying a man who didn’t prove himself to be husband material, in the sense that he dishonors our marriage vows by treating us with disrespect, contempt, or little regard for our happiness, desires, and well-being – whether by behaving abusively, being unfaithful to us, being an immature and irresponsible man-child, or actively devaluing us and our deeply held beliefs.

What Isn’t Really Settling

So what actually doesn’t count as settling, then? Essentially, whatever doesn’t truly keep a man from being a good husband to us. While we might have general preferences when it comes to physical appearance, personality, and financial status, being too stringent with our standards isn’t just unrealistic, it will actually keep us from eventually finding Mr. Right and, not to mention, greater happiness in life.

“It has to do with this idea that we should have it all. … Nobody really has it all, but I think having what will make you happy is probably a much better way to approach life – not just dating, but life. In fact, in the research, it shows that people who have this have-it-all attitude are depressed,” said Gottlieb.

Her words ring true. The reality is, we can’t count on finding a guy who will check off every single box for us, or that perfectly matches our “picture perfect” image, or lives up to every fantasy we’ve built up, or completes us – because he doesn’t exist. Just like the “perfect woman” doesn’t exist. 

But what we can count on (and should hold out for) is finding a guy whose deepest values align with our own, whom we find it easy to talk to and think is funny and fun, who understands and supports our desires and dreams in life, who doesn’t play games, and who makes us feel valued and loved. Because, after all, if we’re looking for someone to spend the rest of our days with, shouldn’t these qualities – the kind that make for a lifelong connection – outweigh his height?

Closing Thoughts

So should it really matter if a guy does an Austin Powers impression on the first date? Or if he isn’t over a certain height? Or if he doesn’t quite match the picture of the “perfect” guy we have in our head? Perhaps not.

What might be better criteria for a second date is whether he seems to share our values and beliefs, or whether he seems interested in knowing us, or whether he’s respectful and gentlemanly, or whether he has drive and a vision for his life.

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