What Is Your Relationship Fighting Style? Here Are The 3 Main Ones, According To Jay Shetty

We’ve all heard of the five love languages, which explain the way we offer and receive love. We also know there are different flirting styles, whether we’re bold and upfront or coy and mysterious. There are all kinds of ways we uniquely interact with our husband or boyfriend too – some couples are lovey-dovey, while others are more reserved.

But have you ever considered what your relationship’s fighting style is? Yes, you read that right. There’s a way to categorize the way you and your man quarrel (because we all do it). According to bestselling author and speaker Jay Shetty, there are three main types of fighting styles that we each fall into, which he outlines in his book 8 Rules of Love. 

Why would you want to classify your manner of clashing? Well, knowing your fighting style can help you figure out how to improve your relationship, understand the inner workings of your disagreements, know how to fight more effectively, and learn how to better resolve your fights. 

Read on to find out what your relationship’s fighting style is.

Venting

If you’re a venter, you’re highly verbal, desire continuous connection throughout a disagreement, and are hyper-focused on finding a solution. You want to keep on rehashing through details and facts with your man until you feel you’ve reached a resolution. You aren’t happy or willing to move on until you feel like things are settled.

While this is a good desire, pushing so hard for a solution can overwhelm your boyfriend or husband, leaving him feeling held hostage. This fighting style also doesn’t always leave room for emotions, focusing too much on hard facts, details, and truth.

If this is your fighting style, you might consider allowing your man to take a breather when he needs to, or stopping to take both his and your emotions into account. Allow for solutions to present themselves more naturally, with time, rather than forcing them. It’s wise to aim for resolution, but sometimes that’s not possible in the heat of the moment.

Hiding

If you’re a hider, you often find yourself needing to retreat and regroup. You just want to be alone. High emotions easily overwhelm you, and you quickly find a way to escape by either going silent and emotionally/mentally checking out, or physically leaving the room.

It’s understandable to need space during a heated argument sometimes, but this fighting style can make your boyfriend or husband feel abandoned, uncared for, and unheard, left to figure out a way forward all by himself rather than collaborating with you.

If this is your fighting style, it could be helpful to assure your man that you’ve heard him (“I hear what you're saying”) before taking some space. But once you do walk away, set a timer and say to your man, “I need some time. Let’s come back to this in 30 minutes.” Use the time you have to regroup wisely rather than to run away, thinking through solutions, and calming your emotions so you can come back to the disagreement more centered.

Exploding

If you’re an exploder, you allow things to build up inside until you can’t take it anymore – at which point, you blow up, erupting with emotion. You become overcome with anger, finding it difficult to control what you say next. You’re getting it all out in one fell swoop.

We’ve all found ourselves consumed with anger. However, this fighting style can deeply damage a relationship. Exploding with anger can make your boyfriend or husband feel blindsided, attacked, and mistreated. And because this fighting type often leads you to speak before thinking (which is when we always say the things we most regret), it can chip away at the relationship’s trust and security.

If this is your fighting style, it’s important to learn how to quell your emotions, as strong as they suddenly feel. It’s also crucial that you remain aware of what you’re feeling rather than stuffing. You might see a professional counselor who can walk through your emotions with you, or begin journaling, or start bringing up the “smaller” annoyances to your man that you'd normally let go. Essentially, don’t allow things to build up and erupt. Deal with your emotions as they come.

Closing Thoughts

We all fight with our significant other; that’s natural and even healthy. Knowing your own fighting style, as well as your husband’s or boyfriend’s, will help you understand where the other is coming from, and learn how to have a healthier and more productive argument.

Love Evie? Sign up for our newsletter and get curated content weekly!