What To Do When You And Your Boyfriend Are On Different Relationship Timelines

The guy you’ve been seeing is the perfect match for you in countless ways, so much so that he feels like the man of your dreams. He shares your sense of humor, makes you feel beautiful and loved, and even plans the best dates. He’s generous and adventurous and intelligent. You couldn’t have asked for a better guy to call yours, couldn’t have designed him better if you’d tried.

Well, you feel that way for the most part. You wouldn’t change a thing about his work ethic or the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, but in the interest of honesty, you do wish he aligned more closely with you when it came to bigger, more time-sensitive matters – specifically, when it came to your relationship timeline.

The term “relationship timeline” makes it sound as if there’s a predetermined schedule that the couple is supposed to fall in line with. Flow charts and deadlines and Google calendar invites come to mind. But we all know that relationships don’t work on a perfect schedule, so what exactly is a relationship timeline? And is it really all that important to a couple’s chances at lasting love and happiness?

What a Relationship Timeline Is and Why It Matters

A relationship timeline has to do with when certain significant milestones are reached. Becoming an official couple is one such milestone. Another would be meeting one another’s parents for the first time. Every couple’s timeline will differ – while one couple might become “official” at just two weeks of dating, another couple may take until three months have passed to put a label on it. 

So why exactly does a relationship timeline matter? Why can’t we just let things be without putting pressure on them and comparing the rate at which our relationship progresses with someone else’s? Shouldn’t we learn to just enjoy what we have rather than constantly looking for the next thing?

With each milestone that is checked off, it’s understood that the couple is becoming more serious, forming a more stable relationship. And the more committed the relationship is, the more weighty the milestones become – such as getting married, buying a home together, and having children. 

Relationship milestones matter because they serve as markers for the chapters in the story that a couple is now telling together. They give us a reason to celebrate, motivate us to look forward, and assure us that the vision we have for the relationship is becoming a reality, and that we’re both on the same page about that vision. For those who date with a specific purpose in mind rather than to “see where things go,” relationship milestones mean everything.

Which is why, when a couple’s relationship timeline doesn’t quite match up, it can create doubt about whether they’re such a good match after all, no matter how much love they feel – especially in the one whose timeline is more time-sensitive and requires action. What if you’re ready to get married now, but your boyfriend would rather wait a few more years? What if you want to go ahead and start looking at houses, but he’s set on renting for a while longer and would rather spend money on travel than a mortgage? What if you want to start trying to have kids right after getting married, but he’s not entirely sure if he wants kids and wants to wait a few years before even thinking about it?

Questions immediately come to the surface: If your relationship timeline doesn’t align with your boyfriend’s, does that mean it’s not meant to be? What if you’re deeply in love? Should you be willing to compromise, or shift your desires for the sake of the relationship?

It’s Okay To Compromise Sometimes

Anyone who’s ever been in a serious relationship can attest to this: If you don’t learn to compromise, both people may come to feel their needs are uncared for, and the relationship will eventually be fraught with resentment and unmet desires – both of which are ingredients for disaster. It’s crucial that both parties are willing to prioritize each other’s needs and desires in mutual generosity (without neglecting their own entirely, of course). 

This can work when a couple has the same dreams, but slightly varying schedules as to when each dream should be accomplished. For example, if you both want kids, and one of you is ready now, while the other needs a bit more time, then a specific amount of time can be agreed to that honors both people (assuming it’s not a biological necessity to get started immediately). And the best part is, in the end, you’ll both have a deep desire met.

“One thing we’re learning from this experience is to ask better questions. For example, the question ‘Do you want kids?’ isn’t sufficient to get at the answers to such a complex and important topic. It needs to be followed up with: ‘How many do you want? When do you want them? Would you consider adoption? How do you see us raising them as far as schooling, values, and religion?’” write David and Constantino Khalaf for The Gottman Institute. Knowing that you and your boyfriend at least align on the big picture will allow space for both of you to compromise on the smaller details.

Having children this year, next year, or the year after that all have the same outcome: You’ll eventually have children together. The same goes for getting married, finding a house, or any other milestones that lay ahead. What’s far more important is that you both want it. When it happens is where there can be some flexibility, within reason. Decades down the line, whether you got married in 2025 or 2026 won’t matter as much as it seems to in the moment. 

In this scenario, it would be a shame to break off a relationship over differences that are, in the long run, not that life-altering – especially considering how much time it could take to find another person you click with. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when breaking things off wouldn’t be the best course of action, though…

But Not to the Detriment of What You Truly Want

However, the reality is, there are times when compromise isn’t the answer, when shifting what you truly desire won’t make room for your boyfriend’s desires that ultimately lead you in the direction you want to go; instead, it will cause you to surrender your deepest held values in order to accommodate your boyfriend. 

In a past season of The Bachelor, contestant Lexi Young made it clear that she desired to start trying to have children sooner rather than later because of her presumed fertility struggles; the Bachelor Joey Graziadei, however, said he wanted to wait at least four years before having kids. “Building a family is one of the most important things to me, and Joey is not on the same timeline. … Because I have endometriosis, having children is going to be a lot more difficult,” she explained. Neither one of them was wrong in their desire, nor should they be compelled to sacrifice what they wanted. And because of the time-sensitive nature of Lexi’s needs, neither person could reasonably compromise. And so, they parted ways because it was clear they weren’t each other’s ideal match, even if they might have liked one another, as Lexi shared: “I do in my heart believe that I came here to meet Joey, like the connection is there, that’s undeniable. But what needs to happen for a connection to truly work is to have two people at the same time at the same page in the same book. I’m just worried that we are at completely different places in our lives.”

If one of you will have to completely give up a significant desire for the other to have theirs, this is a sign that it might be worthwhile to rethink the relationship. Waiting a year or two to get married is one thing. It’s another to constantly drop hints about marriage and have a boyfriend who sees tying the knot as a “maybe someday” kind of thing. That’s less of a compromise and more of a total capitulation on your part and disregard on his.

Closing Thoughts

Your ideal relationship timeline can’t always be adhered to perfectly, and that’s okay. Leaving room for your boyfriend’s desires is what it means to be in a mature, healthy relationship. However, it’s still important that you two agree on the story you ultimately want to tell together, rather than one of you becoming a side character. While there will always be a give and take in any relationship, it’s crucial to ensure that you’re doing so wisely.

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