What We Can Learn From Popular Dating Shows' Mistakes

If you’ve read my thoughts on The Bachelor before, then you might be wondering if I’m just against all dating shows. And in a way, you wouldn’t be wrong. I find most of them to be a mockery of the way dating and romance are actually meant to be, and I still don’t know how the few relationships that have been successful actually withstood the charade of “reality” TV dating. Seeing the commercials for Farmer Wants a Wife on Fox, I planned to steer clear of the show entirely. However, I found myself watching with my sisters after doing some channel surfing because it was the only entertaining thing on one Sunday afternoon. It became obvious to me that while reality TV hasn’t learned anything from the past, maybe the common themes I saw in Farmer Wants a Wife can teach us a thing or two about what we as women shouldn’t be settling for when it comes to dating.

Competition and Love Don’t Mix Well

In my opinion, competition is the culmination of what dating shows are about, not love. But before I dive in further to explain, let me give you a run-down of the show. If you remember the success (more like failure) rate of The Bachelor, you might expect the results of Farmer Wants a Wife to be the same. Yet, surprisingly, the format of the show – four farmers finding a spouse from among eight big-city women per farmer – has been far more successful. According to a TV Insider article, the “Fremantle-owned format has aired in 32 countries and resulted in 180 marriages and 410 children”; the basis behind this seemingly successful dating format of setting up city women with these farmers is the trend of “migration from city-centers to suburban and rural locales.”

So, knowing this, how can I say it’s still about competition? Because the women on the show say it themselves. Following the reality TV format, the women have their solo moments on camera to share their thoughts and feelings with the viewers. Something a viewer can’t help noticing is how often the girls wonder about “the competition,” how much closer he’s getting with “the other girls,” how so-and-so got picked last and wonders if she can make up for lost ground, or how she’s going to be able to hold her own among the rest. And I don’t know how many times the girls stared daggers at another girl if she was getting along really well with their farmer. (Girl hate alarms going off to anyone else?)

Love is already difficult to find; it doesn’t need competition and mind games. 

The problem with this show, and consequently all dating shows with multiple men or women “competing” for one man or woman, is that there’s always going to be sizing up the other girls, the insecurity of feeling pitted against others (because they literally are), and possibly throwing away personal beliefs, values, or physical boundaries to try to win. Love is already difficult to find; it doesn’t need competition and mind games. 

And the thing is, in relationships between one man and one woman (you know, the way dating used to be), it’s not about winning or manipulation. Real love is not a competition, and if you feel like you’re in one, then it’s time to break it off. Real romance is about getting to know each other without anyone else in the picture romantically, without any distractions, and learning to balance work, family, and friends as a man and a woman begin to see if they can build a life together.

Exclusivity Leads to Greater Trust

The competition aspect brings me to the importance of exclusivity in a romantic relationship. The reality of most reality TV dating is that it’s impossible to be exclusive if the man you're into is simultaneously dating, in the case of this show, eight other women. These men claim to want a serious relationship, and maybe they do, but I find that hard to believe when they’ve signed up to have their emotions pulled in eight different directions. 

In episode two of the show, one of the girls, Nicole, who’s getting to know farmer Landon, was picked last among the group of five girls to continue on the show and spend time on the farm to experience his lifestyle. This worried her extremely, and when she got the chance, she explained to Landon how it brought up reminders of her past relationships – how she was never enough for the guys she dated before – and how it made her anxious now since she didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him one-on-one. She didn’t want to be kicked off the show simply because he didn’t get to know her well, and I think perhaps also crossing her mind was the worry that based on the limited amount of what he did know about her, he’d be just like the men who came before him.

I can’t help but think if it were just Landon and Nicole spending time together, Nicole wouldn’t feel beside herself with these worries this early on in the relationship. In fact, health writer and editor Sanjana Gupta writes, “[Exclusivity] is likely to lead to a sense of comfort and an increased sense of safety for you and your partner. As a result, the relationship often gains more depth.” 

When we’re romantically interested, we want to build trust and trust needs some space.

“Alone time” with the bachelor – excuse me, farmer – is always something the women on these shows crave, and that makes total sense because it’s the natural inclination. When we’re romantically interested, we want to build trust and trust needs some space – particularly from other people. Gupta continues, “Once your partner makes a commitment to the relationship, you might make more self-disclosures, which in turn deepens trust and has a cyclical effect.” Trusting more in the other person – in other words, being sure that he is there for you – will inspire opening up more willingly and naturally than with someone you’re unsure will stick around. 

As a result, we shouldn’t be content with a guy who wants to talk to other women when we want a committed relationship. It’s a red flag showing that he’s got a wandering eye, disrespects your time and emotions, and may be addicted to the idea of being the focus of attention from multiple women. It’s not unusual or a crime to talk to multiple people at once to get to know them – it’s a smart way to gauge who should and shouldn’t be on your radar at the very beginning – but it’s different if he’s hanging on to other women when things are becoming more serious. There are feelings of attachment taking root, and talking to other people even at that point is bound to make things messy. There should be one and only one woman he’s serious about. Never settle for being part of a love triangle (or square, pentagon, hexagon…).

Self-Worth Can Be a Casualty of Dating

In a recent satire comedy video portraying how reality dating show committees brainstorm for new dating show ideas, comedian Trey Kennedy joked that one show could be Hunger Games style – last one alive gets the guy or girl. The idea was quickly countered with: “No such things as bad ideas, but we don’t want to hurt them physically, right? Mentally, yes. Emotionally, absolutely. Psychologically, that is what we’re pros at, okay? We don’t want these people to ever be the same!” We laugh because it’s true – but it’s also a reality in our dating warzone. It’s much more of an uphill battle to find that forever someone than in the past, and this really impacts us psychologically.

Nicole’s worries of being not enough in a relationship aren’t unusual in the dating sphere – and aren’t simply because she’s on a dating show, unfortunately. Both on reality TV and IRL, we crave that instant connection that’ll be the meet-cute of our personal love stories. But if we don’t get it… That’s what makes the quest for finding love really rough. As women, we take emotional things hard – which isn’t really our fault since we’re wired this way – but it’s come to the point that when a guy doesn’t stick around after we’ve opened ourselves up past the flirty and people-pleasing stage (or even if simply guy after guy after guy just isn’t interested), we wonder why. And if it happens again and again, we tend to wander down a trap of wondering what could be wrong with us.

Humans aren’t perfect – and boy, do we know it. But while it’s unrealistic to believe that we’ll completely satisfy all the needs of another person, we do seek a relationship where we click with this guy who complements us in every way (compliments are nice too). This inner ideal that we women hold can seem like an impossibility at times, especially when we’ve subtly accepted this idea that if the connection with the guy we were totally into failed, we weren’t worth it – his (or anyone’s) time, love, affection, effort, etc. This is painfully wrong on so many levels.

A failed dating relationship doesn’t change our self-worth; it’s just our perception of it that changes. 

In a YouTube video, writer and speaker Lillian Fallon said something that speaks to the most vulnerable and important part of all of us: self-worth rooted in the fact of our very existence. She said, “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You’re not competing with anybody because you are original.” Instead of believing that we aren’t worth it because the guys we’ve dated weren’t into us, let’s reframe our mindset toward dating in a way that deviates from what reality TV and modern dating culture have been perpetuating for so long. The honest conclusion of a failed dating relationship should be if it didn’t click, then it’s simply not meant to be. A failed dating relationship doesn’t change our self-worth; it’s just our perception of it that changes. 

Of course, we’ll still need time to heal because rejection still hurts, but the sting might not last as long if we catch ourselves before falling into the trap of thinking we’re unlovable after every breakup or because we haven’t been able to find a date for a while. This false perspective will only make learning to trust in a new relationship more difficult. We have to date like we know our self-worth as an unrepeatable human being – like there’s only one of us out there. 

This means that we have to approach meeting new guys and going on dates with them differently. We need to keep previous disappointing experiences from making us constantly wonder, “Will he like me?” or “Am I going to be able to keep his attention?” Instead, we need to ask ourselves, “Do I like him?” “Does he meet my standards?” Really evaluate how he treats you when you spend time together, in-person, through texts, or on social media, and do some reflecting on how it makes you feel.

Closing Thoughts

I’ve bemoaned The Bachelor franchise in the past, and Farmer Wants a Wife, even though it’s been far more successful when it comes to happily-ever-after, doesn’t seem to be much better for the sake of the women on the show. The same problems of competition, lack of exclusive relationships, and questioning self-worth surface, further mirroring today’s dating culture. However, dating shows can still serve as the bad example that women who are looking for commitment and happily-ever-after can learn from. If love is in our individual stories, we should be confident that we deserve an exclusive, committed relationship that’s respectful of our worth as a human being, without the worry of competing against anyone else.

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