What Women Mean When We Say We Want To See A Man’s Feminine Side

A simple scroll through X, TikTok, or Instagram will bring countless posts about what women really want from men, whether it’s a tweet that lists out a woman’s (perhaps unrealistic) non-negotiables in a man or a video of a woman explaining her general dissatisfaction with the guys she’s dated. While one woman says she wishes she could find a guy who would lean into his masculine side, another says she yearns for a guy who isn’t “toxically” masculine.

To the majority of men online, the likelihood is that these kinds of mixed messages can get confusing, overwhelming, and even frustrating. “What do women even want anymore?” they wonder. And perhaps one of the most confusing messages that men hear online from women goes something like this: “One of the most masculine things a guy can do is show his feminine side.” Wait – what?

Most men will hear this and wonder what on earth it could possibly mean, especially after hearing about how easily women get the “ick” – the very sudden loss of attraction that a woman feels towards a man, which is replaced with utter repulsion. While there are perfectly good reasons to quickly lose interest in a guy, many women’s “icks” are rather superficial and innocuous, like holding an umbrella, being excited to see her, or losing his balance on a moving train.

Bearing this in mind, when a guy hears, “We want to see a man’s feminine side,” there are bound to be a lot of questions, uncertainty, and even reticence. Does she mean that she wants him to cry more? To do face masks with her? To be more emotionally effusive? To watch The Bachelor with her? Well, not exactly. 

Women Don’t Actually Like “Feminine” Men

When it comes to the question of what initially attracts women to men, the answers don’t quite line up with women’s supposed desire to see a man’s feminine side. A 2021 study published by SageJournals found that women in varying ecological conditions rated muscular men as more attractive than less muscular men. Another study published in 2018 found that women tended to prefer men who were more chivalrous and showed characteristics of “benevolent sexism” (think: opening a door for a woman, offering to help her lift a suitcase, or describing a woman as “soft”).

And while the rise of female-controlled dating apps like Bumble means more women than ever before are doing the chasing in the early stages of the relationship, the reality is that the majority of women still prefer to be the one being pursued, chased, and sought after – and they like men who aren’t afraid to pursue them too.

These general preferences lead us to question: Is it actually a feminine side that women want to see in men, or are they trying to get at something else? 

What Women Actually Mean When They Say This

When a woman says she wants to see a man’s feminine side, she doesn’t actually want him to behave like she does, or like her girlfriends or sisters or mom does. She doesn’t want him to change his very nature. She doesn’t want him to be “feminine” in just any sense of the word, and she most certainly doesn’t want him to be effeminate or to stop being a man. So what exactly does she want? Relationship coach @takethelovepill tackled this complex question recently on her Instagram.

What women actually mean, according to @takethelovepill, is that they’re craving emotional intimacy from him: “Being emotionally supportive and stable while having understanding and concern for a woman. And offering the right amount of tenderness, steadiness, and strength in ways that only a man can provide … The ‘feminine side’ of a man is still masculine. Still resolute. Still stable, open, and caring.”

What Is Emotional Intimacy, and Why Is It Important?

So, it’s emotional intimacy that women are asking for? Sounds nice, but what does that even entail? Asking about her feelings more often? Sure, but that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. “Emotional intimacy is the closeness and connection between two people who feel safe and secure with one another. However, it goes far deeper than simple ‘closeness.’ It encompasses the idea of being seen, known, and understood by someone else. It involves getting to know each other deeply,” writes Beverly Engel, LMFT.

The man’s level of emotional intimacy may be the most important determining factor in a woman’s choice to end a relationship. 

Women who wish to see a man’s “feminine side” are actually expressing a desire for a man who is committed, loving, secure, faithful, and in tune with her needs on a deep level. They’re asking for men to be a safe place for them, to empathize with their struggles, and to offer support and loving words when she needs them most. They also want a man who is open about his own emotions, thoughts, and needs, one who is strong enough to be vulnerable back. In fact, emotional intimacy is so important to women that researchers have found that a man’s unwillingness to invest in an emotional connection with them “may be most important for women’s relationship termination decisions.”

And if a relationship doesn’t have emotional intimacy, this lack of connection will end up bleeding into other aspects of the relationship. “If emotional intimacy is lacking, [you] may feel a lack of safety, love, support, overall connection, and it also will most likely affect the physical intimacy in a romantic relationship,” shares Rachel Wright, a marriage counselor and licensed psychotherapist.

What Does It Look Like for a Man To Show His “Feminine” Side?

When we picture a man who’s in touch with his “feminine” side, we think of a man who is soft and receptive to a woman’s emotions, hopes, fears, and desires. He listens, asks thoughtful questions, and is invested in learning more about her inner world. He also reciprocates by sharing about his own inner world. We call this “feminine” because it isn’t dissimilar to the kind of support that women often freely and naturally offer in their relationships. 

However, @takethelovepill shared something that’s important to keep in mind: “The feminine side of a man is not synonymous with the feminine side of a woman.” Meaning that while both partners can offer one another emotional intimacy, men and women will give it and receive it differently.

Is there a woman out there who wouldn’t feel much better knowing she can count on her man to be a safe, stable, emotionally attuned, and wise presence in her life?

A man’s feminine side will be unique from a woman’s feminine side in that while he’s receptive and supportive, she’ll often look to him to be her rock in the midst of tough times. She’ll value him for his voice of wisdom, guidance, and steadiness when she’s overwhelmed, sad, or anxious. This isn’t to suggest that women aren’t able to be emotionally strong themselves, but is there a woman out there who wouldn’t feel much better knowing that she can count on her boyfriend or husband to be a safe, stable, emotionally attuned, and wise presence in her life?

How Women Can Build and Encourage Emotional Intimacy in Their Relationship

We know now that, generally speaking, women actually prefer men who take on the traditionally “masculine” role of being the pursuer, that they actually like it when men offer to pay for the first date, that they’re more physically attracted to men who possess a muscular build. This means that women don’t actually want men to stop being men, but we also know now that women value emotional intimacy. So how can women encourage a man to show his “feminine” side and deepen their emotional intimacy if he doesn’t happen to be well-versed in this kind of connection?

Through leading by example. If you’re hoping to deepen your emotional bond with your man, try setting aside regular, dedicated, undistracted communication time every week, where you both can check in and share your various struggles, triumphs, worries, and hopes. Show genuine interest and care in his life and his inner world. Remember details from your last talk, and follow up on issues he mentioned.

But don’t limit emotional intimacy to an hour a week. Weave it into your every day – compliment him often, take interest in his hobbies, show preference for him by talking him up in front of other people, plan regular date nights where you’ll make memories and get your fill of quality time, and always take the opportunity to learn something new about him.

Closing Thoughts

Many women still want a guy who is classically chivalrous. They’d like a guy to open the door for her, to pay for the first date, to offer her his coat. They’d like a guy who’s willing to be the one to initiate. But they also want a man who desires an emotional connection with her just as much as a physical connection – who has a feminine side. But rather than a man’s feminine side influencing how he reacts to and handles his own issues, it influences how he relates to, protects, and provides for the woman he loves. 

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