When To Talk About Money In A New Relationship, According To A Financial Therapist

The intersection of dating and money has always been awkward, and not just when it comes time for someone to pick up the bill on a first date. Many singles are anxious about their own financial futures, and they don’t know how or when to bring up money in a new relationship.

It’s certainly not gold-digging to care about how the person you date will impact your finances in the future. But that doesn’t mean the first question you should ask the cute guy who takes you to dinner is “What’s your salary?” (Apparently, this really does happen.) 

At the same time, it’s unwise to put off conversations about career goals, debt, and savings with a potential future spouse. You don’t want to start making major life decisions only to realize you’re missing key pieces of information, or worse, are starting to spot red flags. 

Gen Z and millennials are waiting longer and longer to get married, but this trend can’t be chalked up to personal preferences alone. Many young people feel pressured to hit certain financial milestones before they tie the knot, SoFi certified financial planner Kendall Meade tells Evie Magazine. There can be many reasons behind this mindset, explains Meade, who is also a certified financial therapist.

“Number one, they might have to save up money for the wedding itself,” she says. “Then a lot of people, for some reason, think, ‘When I’m married, I need to buy a house.’ So instead of separating those goals, they tend to put it together, so they might be putting off getting married until they can afford to buy a house. Third, when a lot of people start talking about marriage, they start talking about kids as well, which is another expense there.”

Having the Money Talk

When it comes to talking about finances with your date, the sooner the better, Meade says.

“It’s important to start those conversations as soon as possible,” she says. “There are different levels to it. When you first start talking about it, you might talk in general about, ‘Hey, what are my goals, and what am I saving towards?’ It can be as simple as that. Over time, it can get deeper and include more details. You want to know how your partner thinks about and handles money, and then you can come up with a strategy for how you can do that together.”

Consumer finance and budgeting expert Andrea Woroch agrees that the earlier you and your date can talk about finances, the earlier you can figure out if you’re “financially compatible.”

“If you're having a hard time starting the money talk, here are some prompts,” Woroch tells Evie Magazine. “Talk about what your family's attitude toward money was when you were growing up. This often shapes how you will manage money as an adult, so it can tell you a lot about a person. Talk about short-term and long-term goals to see if those align with yours, as money plays a big role in making those a reality. Do you or your partner want to own a house and have a family, or do you want to retire early and travel around the world? Two people with completely opposing goals will have a hard time making the financial compromises necessary to make those dreams a reality.”

How someone spends their money shows where their values lie – and there are few things more crucial in a relationship than shared values. But two people don’t need to have identical approaches to money in order to make a relationship work.

“Even if you have very different strategies – one person is more of a spender, and one person is more frugal – if you can talk through it, you can create a plan together and get through it,” Meade says. “You don’t have to have the same ‘money personality,’ but you do have to be willing to have those conversations and work together. Just make sure that they’re willing to communicate on the topic because some people really will shut down and don’t want to talk through finances at all.”

Be the Change You Wish To See

If you want a financially responsible partner, it helps to be a financially responsible partner. No matter how much money you make, it’s always wise to stick to a budget, have an emergency fund, and save for retirement, Meade says.

When it comes to budgeting, Meade recommends an app like SoFi Insights (formerly SoFi Relay) so you can automatically track not just how much you spend in total, but how much you spend on various categories like food, entertainment, and transportation.

“I’m a fan of the 50-30-20 budget just to help you think through where your money should be going,” Meade says, referring to the popular budget rule that advises spending 50% of after-tax income on needs, 30% on wants, and 20% on savings. But that exact ratio may not be right for everyone. The average Gen Zer has $16,283 in total debt, according to a recent survey of Credit Karma members. Meanwhile, Gen Z student loan borrowers are doing a bit better than millennial student loan borrowers in terms of average amount owed (for millennial borrowers, it’s more than $40,000, according to Bankrate).

“I recommend three steps for getting on track,” Meade says. “The first is paying off anything we consider bad debt. That’s really high-interest debt, so anything above 7%. If it’s a student loan that’s at 3%, that’s not something you need to aggressively tackle. It’s okay to pay that off over time. If it’s credit cards at 25%, that’s something we really need to tackle. The second step is building up an emergency fund with three to six months’ worth of expenses, and then that third step is starting to save for retirement.” 

Social media also plays a huge role in how Gen Z and millennials spend their money. Meade appreciates that there is a plethora of creators who share solid tips for creating budgets and paying down debt, but she also recognizes the negative impact of social media.

“It’s all in who you follow,” she says. “If you’re following a lot of influencers who travel a lot, who are promoting TikTok Shop purchases, that’s going to increase your spending, right? Versus if you’re following somebody who has a budget page…it might inspire you to try some of those things. If you’re following somebody, and whenever you watch it, you think, ‘I wish that were me,’ you might want to unfollow them because that can really increase the amount you’re spending.”

Money Is a Common Stress Point

Arguments about finances might seem a million miles away when you’re in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. But Meade says, “Money is a common cause for issues in a relationship. Arguments about money tend to last longer, be more intense, and repeat more.” 

Women especially should beware of a partner who’s unwilling to be transparent about finances. “Sometimes we get in relationships where we’re not given complete access to the financial picture. Maybe they’re secretive about it, and they want to handle the finances. Make sure you’re able to be involved as well and have that picture,” Meade says.

There’s no reason to treat your date like he’s the Tinder Swindler until proven innocent. But he may have money mistakes in his past that he isn’t exactly eager to bring up. Be empathetic during difficult conversations and be careful not to point fingers but to bring the discussion back to your shared goals and how you can accomplish them.

Finding Motivation To Be Financially Fit

Many people have compared budgeting to dieting. Once you lose the motivation to stay disciplined, it can be hard to get back on the wagon. But financial fitness isn’t an end unto itself. Being on top of your finances helps you fulfill your purpose in your community, family, and workplace. Sadly, more than 40% of Gen Zers say they don’t feel purpose in their daily activities. That’s not the kind of sentiment that motivates a person to take charge of his or her finances – or life in general.

So, if you’re looking for a man you can build a life with, the zeroes in his bank account are one of the least important things for you to worry about. Much more important is his feeling of purpose in life – is he motivated to work for the things he wants and able to delay gratification to get them? 

It seems everyone is focused on so-called red flags these days, but characteristics like these are true green flags. Freda Donnelly, who’s been with her husband for 10 years, says she saw such positive traits on their first date.

“On our first date, I offered to pay, and he insisted he'd cover it. He shared his vision for our life on it. Not too long after, I saw his work ethic firsthand,” Donnelly tells Evie Magazine. “He shared what he had, found small meaningful ways to spoil me, and was generous even when we didn't have much.”

Donnelly uses her experience to help her friends evaluate the men they date. “Life can be brutal, and finances can take a swan dive, but can he build from the ground up? If he has family opportunities [or] generational wealth, does his money make more money? Does he work hard, or is he wasteful? These are questions I have my girlies ask themselves about guys they're considering,” she says.

Closing Thoughts

So if you’re dating someone and it’s going really well, don’t be afraid to spoil it by bringing up your financial goals. It’s about so much more than money – it’s about your future together.

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