Why I Let My Husband Tell Me “No”

When I met my now-husband, I was jaded, defensive, and projecting my past onto the man who was my future. Leaning into my femininity – and my husband – by embracing receptivity changed my point of view and showed me true freedom in love!

I Was Dealing with Boys, Not Men

Once upon a time, I was a single mom. I left a toxic relationship at the age of 19 and started picking up the pieces of my life. I moved back home, got a job, went to school, and started a career. All with a gorgeous, blue-eyed baby girl in tow. We did everything together. Shopping, lunch with my girlfriends – she tagged along with me everywhere! When I wasn’t with her, I was working toward a better life for both of us. The only part of my life I excluded her from was my love life…or lack thereof!

I dated a few guys here and there, but nothing serious. Because of everything I’d been through, I knew what I was and more importantly, wasn’t, looking for in a guy. Being a mom already meant that my priorities were different. Having her to think of made me extra choosy about who I felt was worthy of my time.

In that way, she was the first one my rebellious self allowed to tell me “no.” With her in my heart, it was easier to decide who to spend my time with and what to spend it doing. No, I won’t talk to that guy with a criminal record. No, I won’t accept a date from a man with no job. No, I won’t hang out with those friends with no motivation. I let her tell me “no” because I loved her and I knew that what was best for her was best for both of us. 

“Never Rely on a Man”

When I started talking to my now-husband, something just felt different. He didn’t have a child like me of course, or really any serious relationships in his past, but he was genuine, responsible, hard-working and steady (not to mention tall and handsome!). We dated for a few years, got engaged, then married. Along the way we blended our lives together – and I found it far from easy. 

I’m a product of the ‘90s, a child of divorce when such a thing was still taboo. I was taught to “never rely on a man.” That advice did me well when it came to my ex and the era of “ride and die” relationships. I was a rebel, it's true, but my ex was the ringleader and if I ever did have a less than brilliant idea, he never said no. He was the first to encourage me to follow through. We were so naive, we thought that being reckless showed that we weren’t afraid of anything. 

It took years to undo the reflex of self-defense and learn to trust my husband. 

When I found out I was pregnant, everything changed, and since I was already eons more mature than my ex, I was the only one making sound decisions. He didn’t take care of me – quite the opposite. He lied, cheated, broke my heart, and hurt me in every way one can hurt another. I had to step up and step out, and I have no regrets, but it sowed the distrust I felt towards men even deeper. 

Suspicious, Cynical, and Sassy

There I was, grateful to find true love with a real man. I knew intellectually that he was incredible and altogether different from the boy I left in my past, but I couldn’t help projecting my lingering fears and insecurities onto him! I wanted to trust him, to let my guard down, but it took years to undo the reflex of self-defense in the name of self-preservation. 

My experiences had hardened me. I learned to be suspicious, cynical, and sassy as hell. I carried these tendencies with me year after year, and my negative feelings toward men in general were validated by the media, friends, family, and co-workers. I bought into the narrative that men were dumb and carnal and that women didn’t really need them.

It all came to a head when my husband and I brought our new baby home from the hospital. I, who had worked throughout my motherhood and up until the eighth month of that pregnancy, was to become a stay-at-home mom. For the first time ever, I was depending on a man. It was our goal, something we had worked toward. I was happy with my choices. I felt more loved and secure than I ever had, but the change in lifestyle triggered an identity crisis! 

I was far from a natural homemaker. I didn’t grow up in the kitchen like some girls do. I was happy to be home with my baby, but if my husband asked me to do anything outside my own agenda, I’d get pissed. For the first time ever, I was out of a full-time paycheck, which meant making decisions together. I’m not great with numbers, so my husband always took care of the bills. If I wanted something and it didn’t fit into our budget, he would tell me “No,” and I would flip. 

Who did he think he was, making decisions, wanting me to cook, asking me to run errands and take care of things for him? Then he’d get home and want to relax instead of taking the kids off my hands. I didn’t get to clock out! Didn’t he know I needed a break?

“I’m Not Your Enemy!”

Yes, my old reflexes were alive and well. I began to resent his time away, give him crap when he had to work late, and roll my eyes when he played video games. One morning, after nursing a fussy baby all night, he called me on his lunch break and asked me to pick up something we needed from the grocery store. That innocent request sent me right over the edge,

“Are you kidding me? I’m on two hours of sleep! It’s hard to take the baby out! I have so much to take care of around here. I have other plans today besides running around for you!”

He responded, “Okay, okay! Don’t worry about it, you don’t have to do anything.”

“Oh great!” I replied, “Now I don’t do anything!”

“No, no!” He said, “That’s not what I meant. Listen, babe, I understand. I’m not your enemy.”

His final words left me speechless. I was treating him like an enemy. This man I love and trust enough to take care of me, provide for me, to do what’s best for us and our family, was not my enemy. It broke this spell of believing that deep down all men were aggressive, selfish, and morally bankrupt. That some just hide it better than others. 

I started to receive, without reservation, the love my husband had for me...and it healed me.

How unfair I was being to this man who had never given me a reason to doubt his intentions, fidelity, or love for me! I was punishing him for things he never did. I wasn’t seeing him for who he was because of my own preconceived notions of what men were like. I was sucking the joy out of my own life! After that, I let go. I leaned into my femininity and found my authenticity. I began to receive, without reservation, the love my husband had for me...and it healed me. I could trust him to care for me because he had proven himself trustworthy time and time again. 

I Let Go for Love

Letting go of my baggage freed me to love my husband the same way in return. I began to see how he sacrificed for us every single day, to appreciate his love of a good meal, and let him blow off his steam in a virtual world after facing long hard days in the real one. I wasn’t assertive or controlling, but he didn’t turn on me. He showed up for me as the loving husband and hands-on father he always would have been. That’s why I married him! That’s why I allowed him into my and my daughter’s life. 

My walls had crumbled, and the world opened up around me. I learned new skills, pursued my passions, got back into shape, and made our house a home. I finally saw things clearly. I was seeing the best in my life and my marriage, and they thrived! We even had another baby. I homeschool now and work from home, but he still makes most of our income. Sometimes he still has to tell me “No,” but now I let him. I know he wants to give me everything in his power and that he is looking out for me. I let him make decisions for me for the same reason that I let my daughter influence who I dated when I was single: love. 

Still Sassy

I may have embraced receptivity, but I’m still strong, motivated, and sassy as hell! I know how to speak my mind, and my husband values that. He supports all of my dreams and endeavors and accepts my “no” as well. I make more decisions about our kids, our home, and our long-term goals, and no matter what society says, that’s just as important as how we pay the bills! At the end of the day, we make every decision together. I check with him before I do something, and he checks in with me too. It all comes down to respecting one another.

Closing Thoughts

It takes a special man to tell a strong, smart woman, “No.” I rarely take no for an answer from anybody less than my husband, and until a man has proven his worth and committed himself to you, you shouldn’t either. Value yourself and set your standards high so you can walk into a bright future with the right man – no walls needed. 

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