The Scientific Reason Why You’re Obsessed With Your Crush (And How To Move On)

We’ve all had a crush before – perhaps you have one right now. Maybe it’s your mutual friend, coworker, classmate, or the guy you see at the coffee shop whenever you pick up your latte every other morning. Whatever the case, we can all relate to having a crush, and the feelings of an adrenaline rush or the butterflies in our stomach when we see them. Despite our strong, unconditional admiration for another soul, there are thousands of reasons why we don’t end up with them. It can be incredibly difficult to forget about that special someone – yes, even if we never had a relationship with them. There’s actually a science behind this, so if you’ve been going through this right now, trust me when I say this: You're not crazy, and you're not alone.

The Science of Why You Can’t Get Over Your Crush  

The racing heart, sweaty palms, dilated pupils. At times falling for someone is excruciating, but when it’s not, it’s fun and exciting. Crushes make you feel alive, and here’s how. Once you've been hit by Cupid's arrow, your body undergoes hormonal changes, including an increase in cortisol levels. This explains why your cheeks blush or why you might subconsciously play with your hair while they're around. Your sympathetic nervous system also enters the "fight or flight" response, and this rush of adrenaline is what causes people to become addicted. 

There’s more – your serotonin levels, dubbed the “feel-good hormone,” rises as well. Your crush basically acts as an antidepressant, combating feelings of sadness and depression when you’re near them. Additionally, you release dopamine, the chemical that’s responsible for the “reward system" in the brain. So if you’re wondering why it’s so difficult to get over the man you keep fantasizing about, it’s because they make you feel the same way a drug does. It’s pretty crazy. 

Why It’s Sometimes Harder If You Never Dated 

I’ve had friends tell me that it took them longer to get over a crush compared to their breakup with an ex. I’ve had classmates from middle school confess their feelings for me once I started attending college. Point is, it can be painfully difficult to forget about someone you’ve never even dated. There are several reasons why this might occur.

It’s so difficult to get over the man you keep fantasizing about because he makes you feel the same way a drug does.

You Never Got To Know Him or Tell Him How You Feel 

You’re in love with your crush – maybe. But more than likely, you’re in love with your idea and version of him. Think about it this way: You’ve never dated that man before, so you don’t really know what he’s like as a boyfriend. Yet, you’ve probably spent hours fantasizing about having dates with him or how romantic he is. In the end, you’re left never knowing what he's actually like, and instead all you have are the “what-ifs.” There’s no closure to help you heal, and you’re left to your own devices. 

If you were never able to tell him how you feel, then you're likely wondering whether or not he felt the same way. You may also feel melancholy over the fact that he never knew your true feelings, which can feel very lonesome. Unfortunately, all of these things just keep you hanging on since there was no break-up or real ending involved.

You’re Holding on to That Thin Sliver of Hope

It’s possible you’re not over him because, deep down, you’re still hopeful. You think that it’s fate and he’ll mysteriously find his way over to you. This is totally possible – but it could also be wishful thinking. Whether or not your crush is the one, there’s no need to pine over him – if you are meant to be, then it'll be. 

You Haven’t Met Anyone Else Like Him

Perhaps your crush was completely different from other guys you’ve met, and you just love how different he is (or seems). This can be hard, especially when you do know him well. It could feel like he's one in a million, and he's the one you want. The best course of action to take is to remember how unique everyone is, and that you’ll be sure to find another person who is incredibly different in their own way.

Now that we’ve covered a couple of reasons why it can feel impossible to move on, here are some steps you can take to get over someone. 

How To Get Over Your Crush 

Confess 

Tell him how you feel. The best case scenario is he likes you, and you date! The worst case scenario is he rejects your feelings – but you get to move on. If, for some reason, confessing isn’t an option, then read on.

Take Control and Become More Aware

Remember when I brought up how we have a tendency to imagine and fantasize about our crushes? Chances are we’re putting him on a pedestal, and we’re making him out to be more amazing than he actually is. It can be a habit to think of our crush as a prince charming, so I recommend relinquishing control of your own mind and emotions. Try meditating at least once a day. With this practice, you train your mind as if it were a muscle, which will help you “catch” those thoughts about your crush whenever they come up randomly. The less you think about him, the faster you’ll get over him. Out of sight, out of mind. 

The less you think about him, the faster you’ll get over him.

Unfollow, Block, or Mute Them

Social media actually makes it really hard for people to get over each other. I recommend staying off their profiles. Unfortunately, blocking can be difficult, especially if he's your friend. If this is so, I recommend muting his stories and posts, that way you don’t see any of his content when he posts. Likewise, don't reach out, no matter how much you miss him!

Stay Busy or Meet New People 

If you have time to think about him, maybe you have too much time. Try out some new hobbies, sign up for classes, or start a new workout regimen! As for meeting new people (friends or potential dates), you can sign up for classes, download some apps, and or ask your friends to introduce you to new possible love interests. 

Work on Yourself by Being Your Crush 

Allow me to explain this odd-sounding tip. There’s a high chance you were attracted to your crush because of a specific quality he has. Whether that’s confidence, his fit physique, or his charisma, the reason why you could be so attracted to him in the first place is because you actually feel like you’re lacking the characteristics he has. A shy girl is typically magnetized by a confident, cool man because she wants what he has. If you resonate with this, take a moment to list the qualities in your crush that you admire, and work on them. When you take on this challenge, you can move on by focusing on loving yourself instead. 

Accept That It’s Over 

Here’s the thing – you have to want to get over your crush. You need to be willing to let go, to finally accept that it’s over. This last step is probably hard to read for some, but if you truly want to set yourself free, you have to move on.

The reason why some people are able to get over their exes is because they’ve gone through the proper grieving process, and they had to accept that the relationship was over. You have to do the same. Acknowledge that you had a sort of silent breakup and allow yourself to finally grieve. Realize that getting together with him is (most likely) not going to happen, and that's okay. At the same time, embrace your feelings for him. Gain some appreciation for the beautiful emotions that you experienced. Don’t be ashamed of them. The key to moving on is to accept yourself and the situation for what it is. 

Closing Thoughts 

Time and time again, I see people talking about how they never got over their crush. They go on online forums or anonymous boards for answers, because they never felt comfortable opening up to their friends. Why? Because we, for some reason, demonize or think it’s asinine when someone can’t get over a person they never dated. Life is complicated, and our emotions are complex. Women, and men, can fall and become heartbroken over anyone, and their feelings deserve to be validated.

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