Shattering The Myths: Why Getting Married Young Was My Best Decision Yet

"Oh honey!” the woman gasped. “You’re way too young to be married!” Her face took on a pained expression. “I know those bad boys look so good, and you think you can change them, but...” she paused emphatically, “YOU CAN’T!”. Clearly, this woman was no longer talking to me but rather to the ghost of her younger self. Holding back the desire to laugh or to pat her hand in sympathy, I didn’t say anything. My husband was hardly the leather jacket-wearing, chain-smoking, tattooed biker this stranger imagined. He was a systems engineer studying to become a pastor. 

I was somewhat used to this reaction from strangers. Since the ring slid onto my finger at 20 years old, people I’d never met had reacted with shock and dismay to my engagement and marriage. While my close family and friends were excited for me and supportive of our relationship, strangers who wouldn’t presume to advise me on my order at Starbucks confidently doled out advice. It got tiring, but it also revealed to me our culture’s deep-rooted fear of young marriage. 

What Determines Marriage Readiness?

I began to ponder: what beyond age determines marriage readiness? As I started to dig, I found that the notion of getting married closer to 30 had only been mainstream for the past decade. And as recently as 1970, 21 was the average age that women got married. Interestingly, divorce has only increased alongside the age of marriage, which though not causative doesn’t support the widespread belief that marrying in your early 20s is foolish and contributes directly to divorce. 

Nowadays, our cultural norms encourage dating without direction for over a decade of our lives, implying that people in their early to mid-twenties could not possibly be ready for marriage. But through my own experience, I’ve come to believe readiness for marriage depends on much more than age. To caveat, not every person should be married at 20. Life is not a race, people follow different timelines, and it’s better to not be married than to be married hastily to the wrong person. However, I believe that those who are fortunate to meet their life’s companion early on need not fear their youth. 

Marriage Readiness: It’s About Maturity, Not Age 

In light of society’s harsh criticism of young marriage, how is a young person to consider marriage with confidence? The determining factor of marriage readiness is maturity. The maturity needed to consider someone else’s needs above your own, being quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger, and a humility allowing you to communicate well, forgive, and ask for forgiveness. These traits determine a marriage's success, not the year on a person’s birth certificate. 

Those who are blessed to meet their life’s companion early on need not fear their youth. 

Getting married earlier allowed my husband and I to have purpose in our dating relationship, gave us the opportunity to adapt as a couple, and brought us more financial stability and personal growth in our twenties. These all go against common arguments against getting married young: that people should not get married until they are closer to 30, that the brain not being fully developed until 25 means you can’t make big commitments, that young marriage leads to financial instability, and that lack of independence results in less personal growth. In my experience, these couldn’t be farther from the truth.

How Marrying Early Can Set You Up for Success 

First, society tells young people that it's preferable to have lived 3 decades before being married. However, being empowered to choose marriage when the right person comes into your life — rather than working around cultural timelines — brings purpose to dating. This avoids dragging out the dating period to the detriment of the relationship. Prolonging dating without taking the next steps of getting engaged and married can be disrespectful to both parties. It can create resentment and distrust, causing couples to waste time and endure unnecessary heartbreak. Researchers have found that the ideal age to get married tends to be between 22-25 years old, so young couples have nothing to gain by postponing marriage simply because they are young. 

The trend towards dating without purpose often hurts women. I’ve met women who have been dating for 5, 8, or even 10 years, and would desperately like to be married and start a family, but their forever boyfriend is in no rush to buy a ring. One woman sadly joked, “I tell him he’s just waiting to see if anyone better will come along!” My heart ached for her as I thought she was probably right. If a man and woman are approaching dating maturely, their relationship will have purpose, communication, and progression. Purpose-driven dating leads to a relationship that fosters steady growth, setting the foundation for trust, communication, and commitment in marriage. 

Developing your opinions as a couple can lead to more unity, and create a foundation for life’s challenges.

Growing Up Together: Advantages of Adapting as a Couple

A second growing argument against young marriage is that the brain doesn’t finish developing until 25 or later. This scientific fact is commonly touted as evidence that people in their early twenties are not fit to make serious commitments. However, there is no concrete evidence that people shouldn’t get married until their brains are fully developed. I would argue the opposite; being more malleable and adaptable can be an advantage in the formative early years of marriage. 

As we age, our preferences, opinions, habits, and quirks become more solidified. While not insurmountable, this can lead to people being less agreeable and having more difficulty living in harmony with one another.  A benefit of tying the knot young is that you can grow together, shaping one another’s propensities, preferences, and viewpoints. I’m not sure that my husband and I would have landed in the same place with our opinions on child-rearing, finer points of theology, politics, holiday traditions, and other major and minor issues. However, since we formed these preferences and beliefs through long conversations, we agree on all important ones. Developing your opinions as a couple can lead to more unity, and create a foundation for life’s challenges. 

Financial Stability & Dream Building: A Joint Venture

Finally, two of society’s favorite lies about young marriage are that you need to be financially stable before you get married, and that personal growth ends with the exchange of vows. In reality, getting married young can play a major role in achieving professional and educational goals, financial stability, and personal growth. At the ripe old ages of 26 and 28, my husband and I signed the papers for our first house in our work clothes, then drove straight to our new fixer-upper, spirits high and dreams lofty. We started tearing down wallpaper, ripping up carpet, and doing wall repairs with a baby strapped to my back and our toddler playing in the overgrown new yard. We had reassured friends and family that the house was livable, which in retrospect may have been an overly generous assessment. The heat wasn’t working, the garage roof was close to caving in, our basement promptly flooded, and there was no end to plumbing problems, electrical quirks, and cosmetic eyesores.

However, we worked together on it steadily, and by God’s grace and the help of family and friends, we are transforming it into a home we are proud of. I very much doubt that either of us would own a home without one another to work with. This isn’t merely my personal experience; studies show that married couples are more financially stable than their single counterparts. As this Evie author says, “Marriage gives you a faithful person by your side to help you create a loving, stable home life. That’s the very thing you need to feel empowered to do what’s most important to you.”

My husband and I have encouraged and supported one another through finishing 2 bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree, switching careers, moving cross country, learning new skills, growing in our faith, and navigating parenthood. We’ve become more accomplished and well-rounded than we would have been without one another. We haven’t had personal growth despite our marriage — much of it has been because of our marriage. Sacrificing for one another and growing together has strengthened and equipped us to face challenges with more grace, confidence, and maturity. 

After just 8 years of being married and 3 kids so far, I don’t presume to be an expert on marriage. However, I can say that I am so thankful that I did not let social stigma keep me from the joy and growth of getting married young. If you’re fortunate enough to have met the man you want to marry early, don’t let fear or society’s timeline deter you — take the next step with confidence, maturity, and a humble willingness to grow together. As my husband said before he proposed, “I’ll never regret getting to spend more of my life with my wife.”