Ask Him: Why Does The Manosphere Exist And What Can We Do To Stop The Gender Wars?

The Manosphere. MGTOW. If you’ve been online in the past five years, you’ve probably heard these terms. And sadly, you may have received verbal abuse from some poor, angry soul for the crime of being female on the internet. Who are these people? Why do they matter? The Manosphere is the product of male underachievement, and if you, like me, want to make our society better, you need to understand where it came from to fix it. Online movements are very difficult to qualify and describe in a few terms, but the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) and Manosphere movements are a loosely connected group of men under 30 who collectively gather to vent their frustrations with modern women, the world at large, and the unfairness of their lives in general on social media platforms like X, YouTube, and TikTok. Your brother, cousin, boyfriend, or husband may be a consumer of this content. Some members of the Manosphere are known for their vicious harassment of women online, often telling them that they “will die alone!” or that they’ve “hit the wall” at the ripe old age of 30, or even 25. Others seem to insist on pre-nuptial agreements, fearing that women will take a man for all he’s worth, even stealing his children in the process, thanks to laws favoring the mother. I recognize by this point that many of you have already rolled your eyes in annoyance or frustration, and yes, you have good reason to feel this way. I hope you understand that I am 100% against any online cruelty or harassment and that I am a vocal critic of the manosphere in general. But as I explain, please keep in mind that millions of men gravitate to this for a reason, and we must give them better options. Also, remember that even as a woman, you have brothers, guy friends, and someday, you might even have sons. Most importantly, your current boyfriend, fiancé, or husband may have been influenced by the movement, so stay tuned as we translate the hieroglyphs of the Manosphere. 2000: The War Against Boys Goes Mainstream As any member of the Gen X, millennial, or Gen Z generation can tell you, the ‘90s-2020s has been an era of featured programs that have helped girls find achievement in the STEM fields. “Girls have fallen behind,” was a common phrase, as was the idea of women needing to infiltrate “male dominated industries.” However, as far back as 2000, the second wave feminist scholar Christina Hoff-Sommers released her famous (or infamous) book entitled The War Against Boys , in which she argued that the numerous well-meaning efforts to help women achieve academically had propelled them far ahead of their male counterparts. Her data was astounding; Dr. Hoff-Sommers proved that the percentage of associates, bachelors, masters, and PhDs between men and women had hit 50% back in 1981. That’s right, in 1981, likely years prior to the birth of the man in your life, equality had already been achieved, and women were on track to outpace men. Christina Hoff-Sommers' prophecy was indeed proven true in the years that followed, as the data kept pace with her predictions. 2018 data shows that, when broken down by gender, women outpace men in every possible degree. For every 100 men, 158 women received associate degrees. The ratio for bachelor’s degrees was 100 to 134, master's 100 to 143, and PhDs 100 to 112, with the projected class of 2027 data to trend even higher toward women at rates of 60% to 40%. All right, so the data proves that more women are doing better in higher education and that women are finally making their way in the world. Shouldn’t women be proud of their achievements in a society that for far too long held them back based on their gender? Why should anyone care about men missing out in higher education? We don’t help the oppressed women of yesterday by oppressing the men of today for crimes they never committed. To again quote Dr. Hoff-Sommers : “I became a feminist in the 1970s because I did not appreciate male chauvinism. I still don’t. But the proper corrective to chauvinism is not to reverse it and practice it against males, but rather basic fairness.” In other words, we don’t help the oppressed women of yesterday by oppressing the men of today for crimes they never committed. Long Ignored Systemic Inequalities These inequalities have existed for the entire lifetime of almost every person reading this piece. While it’s very true that women should indeed be encouraged to study, work hard, and pursue their dreams, the data has proven for many decades that it was boys, not girls, who truly required such assistance, including your boyfriend, husband, cousins, and brothers. So again, to make this easier to understand, recognize that all men born in 1981 and after live in a world in which they are less likely to go to college than their female relatives. The sad reality of the third and fourth wave feminist narratives is that women’s gains came at the expense of men’s success. It took a second wave feminist like Dr. Hoff-Sommers to see and analyze the truth. As she so succinctly put it, “The rise of women, however long overdue, does not require the fall of men.” Why Aren’t Men Doing Anything? We’ve explored the widening male/female educational gap and we’ve seen how all of us came of age during a time of education inequality that’s only trending in less equal directions. But the question remains: If men are falling so far behind, why are they looking for things like the Manosphere as an outlet for their frustration and pain? Why can’t they just be honest about their feelings? One privilege of being a woman is that it is socially acceptable to express feelings without fear of consequence. Women are viewed, fairly or unfairly, as “sensitive” and are expected to be emotional. Men, on the other hand, are expected to be strong and fearless, brave and rugged, and if we dare to show any emotion that is not rage or happiness, there are social ramifications from other men and even from women who see emotion as unattractive or weak. And trust me, the man in your life would rather die than feel undesirable. Pay attention to this part, as it may help to demystify your boyfriend’s moods. As I stated earlier, men have one positive outlet and one negative outlet for all acceptable emotion. If anger is permissible, then you can see why so many men are attracted to loud and proud rap or wrathful heavy metal. These serve as an outlet for all negative emotions, such as sadness, grief, pain, loneliness, fear, and more. Thus, when a man is very angry, he may, in fact, be depressed instead. A man yells when he needs to cry because that’s the only way society will permit him to express negativity. The Manosphere is toxic, but it’s also a place where a man can dispense with his fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, and sadness. How does this tie to the Manosphere? Quite simply, when a man feels terrible, and anger is his only outlet for a multitude of different emotions, any sort of a community that allows him to yell away his pain is welcome. Did a feminist break your heart? Here’s why all women are out to get you! Did your girlfriend try to control you? Here’s why you need to wear the pants in your relationship. Do you want to be attractive to lots of women? Become a “high value man” who is rich, and you can have any girl you want. The Manosphere is toxic, yes, and highly so, but it’s also a place where a man can dispense with his fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, and sadness. Since there isn’t a healthy place for young men to visit and express their own pain and dissatisfaction with a world that was less fair to them than it was to their fathers, they seek this out instead. And we ignore this at our own peril. I’m Thankful I Didn’t Know the Manosphere Existed Men and women are not rivals; if anything, we are teammates, and we need each other to survive in this world. I want every good young woman to find Mr. Right, to be cherished and honored, to one day bear children or simply to achieve a purpose in life, and to be happy. And therefore, because I feel this way, I think that any movement designed to place the sexes at war, whether third wave feminism or the Manosphere, is suicidal to a healthy society. Yet, I also must tell you that I could have been an angry young man as well, and that I came very close because of the unfairness I experienced. You see, I did go to college, and like many men, I fell in love with a pretty girl. This young lady ate lunch with me every day, laughed at all my jokes, sat on my lap, brushed against me, kissed my cheek, and told me that after winter break, we would be together. So, I turned down dates around Christmas, and I planned my schedule around seeing her again. I told family and friends that I had a girlfriend. I rushed back to school after winter break to seek her out...only to find that she had hooked up with a guy she had met at a club during winter break, that I just had to get over it, and that she was a modern woman who could do whatever men got away with in the past. I was absolutely crushed at how little I had meant to a girl I adored. We had done everything together all year and I was so sure that we were going to be a couple...after she told me we were going to be a couple. Yet I was little more than a plaything to her. With her looks, she could entice all sorts of men, so what did I matter? I was just her toy to play with and keep her company. Like any great lie, the Manosphere is superb at identifying problems and terrible at giving solutions. Right now, some of you might be thinking, “Ugh, she was awful, but what does this have to do with me? I would never treat a guy this way!” If so, I applaud you for being a wonderful woman who respects others. But I share this because if you want to find Mr. Right, you need to understand that chances are high some woman has done this to him and likely used “feminism” to justify it. Your man may indeed have sought out help online and discovered the Manosphere in all its “glory,” and a part of him might believe some of its rhetoric. The Manosphere is, quite simply, third wave feminism for angry young men. Like any great lie, the Manosphere is superb at identifying problems and terrible at giving solutions. So, How Do We Fix This? Before I tell you how I would fix these current issues, let me explain: I do not expect any woman to put up with bullying or harassment online from angry men. That is unhealthy and dangerous. In the same vein, please don’t start a battle with such men, either. You needn’t drag yourself down into the mire. The most important thing that you need to understand, as I’ve highlighted, is that young men are hurting , deeply, and that in a secular world, few can find healthy resources to express their emotions outside of anger. Remember that an angry young man is not necessarily “angry,” but possibly depressed, sad, anxious, lonely, or more. The current state of men’s mental health in our American society is entirely unacceptable. Men are much more likely to commit suicide or to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol than to seek therapy and treatment. As women, you can lead the way by demonstrating that a healthy man seeks out treatment when he’s terribly upset. Men who reach out in distress are brave, sexy, attractive, and, most importantly, normal . If men can feel that women love them even when they seek help, the stigma can be lessened. Ladies, you can make your man feel loved and appealing – the light of your life – and still encourage him to seek therapy. Fight for better treatment of boys in school , whether for your relatives, your friends, your sons, or simply a desire for fairness. Remember, the rise of women should create equality, not disparity, and as women, you can advocate for a more just society. Men should not become a minority in higher education. Push back against third and fourth wave feminism, remembering that equality, not superiority, is the goal. Yes, historically speaking, men held the power for millennia, but they weren’t these men. If equality between the sexes is the goal, then women and men have to stand up for one another. We all can win when we finally realize that we are on the same team. If your boyfriend or husband has been affected by Manosphere rhetoric, keep this important fact in mind: Men were designed to love women. Yes, ladies, you are goddesses, and it’s for you that we get up, shave, shower, make our beds, go to work, buy roses, and come back home. You inspire music and art. A man might quote talking points from a movement to soothe his wounds, but your love and affection are what he craves above life itself. If you take nothing else from what I say, know that love is the way out of this. Together, We Can Do This I realize that some of what I said seems dark and insurmountable, and that if it took us decades to get here, it might take just as long to get us out. But I firmly believe that women and men can be allies and that we are both capable of respecting one another and making a positive change. Never forget the systemic unfairness which is at the heart of many complaints young men have. If you acknowledge this, then they won’t feel that the Manosphere is the only place that understands them. Recognize the dangers of third and fourth wave feminism so men can see you stand in opposition to what many blame as the problem. Understand that men are not encouraged to share emotion, that anger can mean several other emotions, possibly at once, and that you can make men’s mental health socially acceptable. Remember that you should treat men with respect, honoring their feelings, and expect the same in return from them. And finally, just be a soothing ear for a hurting world. The Manosphere exists because we don’t provide a better alternative, so let’s be the generation that rejects gender wars and finds a path forward where men and women can succeed. Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com .