Why You’re Struggling To Make Female Friends

Everywhere you look, it seems like every girl has a plethora of deep, close, ride-or-die friends. Scrolling through TikTok shows you groups of girlfriends doing dance trends together and laughing. Swiping through Instagram stories presents you with an endless stream of your acquaintances posting pictures from their girls’ night out. Coming into the office means you’ll hear all about the fun movie night your coworkers had that you weren’t invited to. Flipping through Netflix will bring up a TV show that depicts a woman your age who has the kind of friends she can call day or night. And it really feels like everyone in the world has friends, except for you.

And it’s not due to a lack of effort on your part, either. You’ve signed up for Bumble BFF and swiped for months. You’ve invited other girls out for coffee more than just once. You’ve attempted to reconnect with old friends from high school. You’ve gone to local gatherings, book clubs, and classes with the hope that you might meet the Diana Barry to your Anne Shirley – your kindred spirit friend. 

But you can’t seem to bridge the gap between getting a cup of coffee and having a semi-awkward conversation before never seeing her again and forming a lasting friendship with a woman you truly click with. Whether they never seem to be as interested in being your friend, or you’ve been mysteriously unfollowed by more than one girl you thought you had a good online rapport with, or you’ve been left out of plans time and time again, you almost feel incapable of making a friend.

Maybe you’ve started to wonder if there’s something you can change or fix about your approach. Or maybe you wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Or maybe you wonder if you’re just not built for friendship. On top of the insecurities you’ve felt crop up, you’re constantly barraged with the narrative that women who don’t have female friends are walking red flags, that they’re probably toxic and not to be trusted, that other women have deemed them to be unworthy of friendship. This, unsurprisingly, only adds to the pain and insecurities you’re feeling. Being excluded from a group that you genuinely desire to be part of is hurtful.

You’re left with a lot of questions. Is it your own fault that you haven’t been able to make friends? Is it everyone else’s fault for not being your friend? Or is there something else to blame? Here are a few reasons you might be struggling to make friends with other women.

Sometimes, It Has Nothing To Do with You

It hurts when someone doesn’t text you back, or when they don’t initiate plans, or when they seem like they could take your friendship or leave it. And it’s difficult not to take it personally, to see it as an affront. But here’s the thing: When someone doesn’t seem interested in being your friend, it’s not always about you.

This may not feel true in the moment, when you’re attempting to uncover where things went wrong, but her supposed decision not to move forward with the friendship doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you having said something weird, or any negative feelings she’s harboring, or your having come on too strong.

Often enough, the reason a potential friendship ends up going nowhere is because you weren’t looking for the same thing. Similarly to romantic relationships, the only way a platonic relationship can thrive is if both people are in the market for the same kind of relationship, whether it’s close and intimate or merely friendly and surface-level. 

Thinking of it this way will be helpful: You are the protagonist in the life you’re living. And in your story, there are different roles to be cast. The lover, the best friend, and the side characters, for example. But you’re not the only one with these roles to fill – everyone else has them, too. For a deep friendship to form, both people need to be casting for the role of the best friend. It’s possible that this role was already filled in her life. If you were looking to cast a best friend and she was only looking to cast a friendly acquaintance, then your needs in a friendship just weren’t well-matched.

Sometimes, It’s Due to Your Approach

Another reason you might be struggling to cultivate lasting friendships with other women? It might come down to your approach. The good news is that this can be fixed. There are a few ways that your behavior could be keeping you from fulfilling your desire for a Diana Barry in your life.

First, it might be that social anxiety is getting in the way. Maybe you’re having difficulties allowing yourself to be open and authentic, worrying about how you’ll be perceived. Or maybe it’s always been a challenge for you to speak up in social situations. Or maybe your self-perception isn’t entirely accurate, and you think you come off friendlier than you actually do. If social anxiety is a reality for you, this could very well be what’s stopping new friendships from blooming. And it’s far easier said than done, but it’s essential to begin to challenge it and work to overcome it, whether through self-help books, with a counselor, or by opening up to a trusted person in your life. Social anxiety can be improved, but you have to want it to change.

Second, it’s possible that there’s room for your conversational skills to improve. This doesn’t just mean learning how to maintain eye contact, be an active listener, and demonstrate open body language. It’s also about understanding where to take a conversation next. Here’s a tip to get you started: As the book How To Win Friends And Influence People underscores, the vast majority of people love to talk about themselves. They want someone to take an interest in their lives, to assure them that they’re funny, accomplished, and worth knowing. The simplest way to up your conversation game is to ask the person about themselves, stay engaged, and ask follow-up questions. If the opportunity presents itself, highlight your commonalities (“You’re from Seattle? What part? I grew up visiting my aunt there every year. It’s such a beautiful city.”). People will naturally gravitate toward people who seem to like them and toward people who are like them.

Lastly, it could come down to a lack of taking initiative. Women, for the most part, aren’t always well-versed in the art of pursuit. Think about it: We wait for a guy to ask us out, then we wait for him to set up the date, and then we wait for him to text us afterward to say what a wonderful time he had. The issue is that we end up treating the early days of a friendship the same way that we treat those of a romantic relationship – waiting for the other person to act. But if both women are waiting for the other one to text first, neither one will ever end up reaching out, and what might have been a beautiful friendship will never come to fruition. Rather than waiting for that text asking to hang out, choose to be the one who initiates (and continues initiating, within reason). Start the conversation, plan a fun outing where you’ll get lattes and manicures and walk in the park together, and then text her a silly meme the next day. If you wait for your kindred spirit to find you, you might end up waiting a very long time.

Sometimes, It’s About Jealousy

What if you truly feel that you’ve given making friends your best effort? What if social anxiety isn’t an issue for you? What if you know perfectly well how to hold a conversation and take an interest in others? What if you’ve always taken it upon yourself to reach out first and plan hangouts? And what if, despite your genuine attempts, you’re still friendless? Here’s where the least pleasant possibility comes in.

Put simply: If you’re married or in a loving relationship, successful, or attractive, other women might feel jealous of you, to the point where they don’t feel they can be friends with you. "Tall poppy syndrome" is a social phenomenon that describes our tendency to see another person’s success as a threat to our own potential success. Why the strange name? Well, imagine a field of poppies; they each grow to the same height, creating a perfect sea of uniformity. But when one poppy grows a bit taller than the rest, it sticks out. When the things that someone has, be it a stable relationship, an attractive appearance, or a coveted job title, make them stand out from the crowd, it’s possible that the crowd will feel insecure and jealous, and even attempt to cut the taller poppy down to size by either criticizing them or excluding them. 

It’s important to note that not every woman will react this way. There are women out there who will see their jealousy as their own issue to work out and befriend a tall poppy anyway, and there are also women who won’t actually struggle with envy towards her. But the case for many women is that they will struggle to genuinely like another woman who has something they deeply desire and will choose not to befriend women who will trigger envy rather than confront their own insecurities, keeping taller poppies from making many friends.

Closing Thoughts

There is a kindred spirit friend (or maybe even two) out there for everyone who desires one. Some of us just have to work a little bit harder and look a little bit longer to find them. Taking the time to reflect on what exactly could be holding you back from finding a good, deep friendship will help you know where to place your time and energy moving forward.

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