Why You Should Talk About Taboo Topics On A First Date (And How To Ask The Right Questions)

First dates can be stressful, especially if it’s a blind date or the two of you met online. If that’s the case, then you probably don’t know much about each other going in. Even if you met through mutual friends or you’ve known this guy for a while, a first date is a very different environment. It’s a romantic setting with just the two of you where the stakes are suddenly heightened and you’re hyper-focused on making a good impression. 

Part of wanting to make a good impression means that you’re likely to avoid topics that might rock the boat. We hear all the time that when you meet someone for the first time, you should avoid “taboo” or “controversial” topics like politics, money, and religion. While I can understand that argument in professional settings or parties where you’re mingling with colleagues and acquaintances, a first date is a different story. 

You can have a great time with the guy you’re dating, but if the two of you have completely different values and visions for the future, that relationship is never going to work. 

While the primary focus of a first date should be to simply see if the two of you have chemistry, shared values are a huge part of whether or not you’re ultimately compatible with someone. If you’re dating with intention and looking for a long-term commitment, then you should be thinking about the big stuff even on date one.

I'm not saying you should ask someone what their credit score is before the bread basket arrives or demand to know precisely how many kids they want to have (if they want to have kids at all). Of course, these things should be brought up organically and with tact. But if you're considering whether you can see a future with this guy, why dance around the big stuff? Here are some things to consider and ideas for what questions to ask. 

Visions for the Future

What kind of future do you envision for yourself? Do you want to get married? Have kids? Maybe you don’t want to have kids and would rather be a digital nomad who travels the world. Whatever your perfect future looks like, it should be on your mind now. Don’t be afraid to bring up your future goals and timeline so that you can get a temperature check on how he feels about it. 

Instead of asking, “Do you want kids?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?” here are a few ways to bring up the future more organically. You don’t necessarily need to ask a direct question either, simply pepper in the mention that you want to have kids (or don’t) and gauge his reaction. Does he seem turned off by this idea, or does he lean in?

• My friend just had a daughter, and she’s so cute. I can’t wait to be a mom one day. 

• I live in an apartment now, but eventually I’d like to buy a house that I could start a family in. What about you?

• Family is really important to me, and I’m super close with all of my siblings. Are you close with yours?

Relationships with Money

Disagreements over finances are one of the leading causes of divorce in America. With that in mind, it’s wise to think about money even in the early stages of dating. Obviously, it’s rude to straight-up ask a guy “How much do you make?” But beyond that, learning someone’s income doesn’t really tell you anything about their relationship with money. 

Someone who makes $50k a year can have a much healthier financial life than someone who makes $100k a year if they’re better about budgeting and controlling their spending. It’s not the number that matters, it’s the approach. Here are a few ways to bring up the topic of finances casually, so you can get an idea of what his relationship with money might be like. 

• My parents were super frugal growing up and rarely splurged on anything. What was your upbringing like?

• I try to stick to a monthly budget, but I could definitely be better about it. What about you?

• I love going on vacation – that’s definitely my biggest splurge. 

• Do you consider yourself a saver or a spender?

Importance of Religion

Religion will have varying degrees of significance in everyone’s life. For some people, this might be the most important topic on the list, and for others, it might not even be something they care to bring up. If religion is extremely important to you and you go to church every week, then you’re probably looking for a partner you can share your spiritual life with. But even if you’re not religious at all, it’s still important to get a feel for how religious your date is. 

If the two of you approach religion from opposite ends of the spectrum, where one person is extremely devout and the other is a complete atheist, then that relationship is unlikely to work. Instead of kicking the can down the road and finding out about a dealbreaker later on in the relationship, bring it up early. Yes, even on a first date! Remember, this is not an interrogation, it’s a conversation. 

• I try to go to church every Sunday. What about you?

• My family kept kosher growing up, but I’m not as strict about it nowadays.  

• My week was good! I had Bible study last night. Do you ever go? 

• We were Christmas and Easter Catholics growing up, and I rarely go to church anymore. What about you? 

Getting Political  

It’s an unfortunate fact that nearly every topic today is somehow political. Instead of dancing around those topics on a date, don’t be afraid to bring them up. The reason people get so heated about politics, especially nowadays, is because a person’s political perspective speaks to their core values. As we established earlier, part of dating intentionally means weighing whether or not this guy’s core values align with your own, and you should start early. 

Bringing up politics can make people uncomfortable, especially when you don’t know each other very well. Don’t come out of the gate five minutes in and demand to know their thoughts on the most controversial issue of the day. You can bring up politics more subtly than that, and often you can get a feel for what someone’s politics might be by reading between the lines. How does their body language change when you bring up a topic? Do they seem comfortable or uncomfortable talking about this? What are they not saying? Tread lightly, but listen carefully. 

• Do you follow politics very closely? 

• What are some issues that are important to you?

• I know it’s important, but I’m kind of dreading the craziness of election season. How do you feel about it?

• I’m pretty passionate about the environment, but I can see both sides of the climate change argument. What do you think about it?

Closing Thoughts

This might feel like a lot to accomplish on a first date, but you don’t need to bring up every single one of these topics. That would be a lot of ground to cover in one evening with someone you don’t know. Instead, pick one or two topics that are most important to you. The intent isn’t to go super deep, but to simply get an idea of whether the two of you are compatible in these areas so you can determine whether or not this guy is worth a date number two. And remember the most important thing: try to relax and have fun. 

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